Things I Need To Get Off My Chest

Hookerween = Success

I have decided that I am now too old to drink margaritas one after the next and feeling your kidneys is not a good thing. Dressing up with your girlfriends and affixing fake lashes and rhinestones to your sister in law's face (the one with the three kids and the dirty look when you mention slut heels) is pure bliss. Seeing your sister in law's flawless abs in her slutty costume six months after giving birth to her third child, however, is pure hell. Not one stretch mark. Not a one. Granted, I don't have children, but my stomach doesn't look like hers now and I do Bikram yoga.

Bitch.

Snarkiness = Adoration

I received an email today with the following gems that basically comprise my faith:

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

And Amen.

Mr. J = Love and Giggles

He's reading Young Adult and he doesn't even know it. He just finished The Hunger Games and was hooked. I haven't finished, but in true Mr. J style he tried to give away the ending. The ending in which Katniss gives Peeta "the butt love." I didn't have the heart to stop him between my fits of laughter, "Well, that's impossible since the book is written for teens. Fooled you!" I'll wait until after he reads the sequel that he is itching to get his hands on, "They have to make this into a movie!"

LiLa = Jealousy

I love LiLa. Really I do. They're my favorite sister writers and I adore them. I had the opportunity to talk to Lisa one night after we'd both had a few drinks and I loved her and her Cleveland Rocks accent even more that the day before. This is where the affirmations begin - They are my friends. They deserve happiness. They work hard. They are wonderful people.

What am I yammering on about, you ask?

The annoyingly beautiful girls with attitude, sass and a penchant for wrapping Us Weekly into a rhyme once a month have sold their book and will see their names in print come Spring 2011.

They're up there with my sister in law and her ridiculous Brooke Burke abs right now.

Gah.

Oh, I know! LiLa, let me dress you for your author photo! I have some rhinestone studded fake lashes and some fishnets with your name on them!

Give them a hand, kids. They are amazing and I can't wait for them to shout me out on Oprah.

And scene.