Lotus and Lavender, Cupcakes and Me.

I stared at a beautiful girl the other day. Her smile was big, her laugh even larger. A thought flashed across my mind in a quick second, almost subconscious, She and Mr. J would have beautiful children.

For a second I was removed from him. I was separate. Out of the equation.

It was the same thought I had when I first saw Mr. J, Dear God, we would make beautiful babies. Four years later we have discussed the fact that maybe having a child that was only biologically one of ours would be ok too.

Maybe.

It wasn't jealousy that caused me to picture my husband holding a baby with a big smile, a larger laugh. It was necessity. Before I shook the thought from my head I wondered if I could be forward-thinking enough to allow my husband to sleep with another woman, Mr. J, Sally. Sally, Mr. J. Now, no kissing, no repeat performances. I need you to get in there and get this done. Go big or go home! Then I would slap them on their asses and draw up a contract.

I stared at her perfect little nose and wondered if I could ask her for her eggs or if that would be weird.

All of this flashed through my head in a ten second time span.

It made me feel crazy, I wonder if I'm the only person to ever think these kinds of things?

Women lined up on hospital beds today; one girl coming around while another went in to be put to sleep, her eggs harvested, her cup of water, the Tylenol for the cramping, the blanket, the antibiotic, we'll call you later.

I bet they've all thought crazy thoughts too.

I sat with my phone next to my thigh all day while Amie fed me cupcakes, french fries and chocolate milkshakes. She bought me a lavender plant because it was the closest we could get to a Lotus flower which apparently symbolizes fertility, "Well, they both begin with an L!"

Twelve eggs, which total forty over the course of the past twelve months.

All I need is one before I start having inappropriate conversations with strangers.

Wish me luck.