Today I was mistaken for a mistress, a whore, a consorter of dirt. The best part? I was found out by a red headed Mormon TSA worker at the Salt Lake City airport. My business partner and I had an hour to kill before we had to check in so we hit up the day spa close by. It was added to my speed dial immediately after my car accident since flights wreak havoc on my spine and I am a princess. We each received a 50 minute massage, met at the cash register, grabbed our padfolios and headed straight to Rental Car Return. We stood in the security line at the airport shortly thereafter, he with his tie hanging loosely around his neck, me with smudged mascara and bed head. I realized I didn't have any of my jewelry on, dug into the zippered pocket of my bag and slid my watch over my wrist. It wasn't until I pushed my engagement ring and band onto my finger that I looked up to find Ivan Immaculate watching me intently. I made eye contact, he gave me a knowing look and then turned his head and whispered to a female TSA worker who gave me the bitchy up one side and down the other bitch stare.
"Dude, they think I'm a whore." I started laughing and noticed that Ivan Immaculate did as well. Sadly, he probably thought I was proud of my exploits.
"What?"
"That TSA worker just saw me put my wedding ring back on and told the lady next to him. They think I put it on to fly back home to my husband who has no idea that I'm a slut."
"You're having an affair in Salt Lake? That's just silly."
I noticed Ivan was still smiling at me, dirty bastard, "Well, think about it. My husband would never expect it."
"True. Dude, he is getting a kick out of you."
"You do realize he probably thinks you're my Valentine with your tie hanging around your neck like that?"
"This is likely the most entertainment they've had at security in this airport in a long time."
"Not true. They made me take off my suit jacket two weeks ago and I was only wearing a camisole underneath."
"This is not helping your MO at the SLC airport."
"Fuck."
He was right, but a conformist I am not. Now, shall I blow kisses at Ivan next time or just remember to wear clothes?
Tough call.
I like to stir things up every now and again, but TSA workers tend to be volatile.
Stay tuned.
ha! This cracked me up. Only you, Ms. J.
ReplyDeleteYou're a born storyteller :)
That's hysterical! For the record, I wouldn't have thought much of it. I try NOT to jump to conclusions like that...besides it's more entertaining trying to find alternative explanations for such incriminating behavior!
ReplyDeleteThis rocks!!! But the different man/woman takes are sooooo interesting aren't they? He smiles, she gives dirty looks. GEEZ!
ReplyDeleteI love how your "valentine" calls you "dude".
ReplyDeleteWhat a funny story! I love coming to your blog; I always leave with a smile on my face!
ReplyDeleteHope your day is going great :)
Ha!xD This was great, look at you stirring things up in SLC airports.
ReplyDeleteHeh, good anecdote. I once read that Salt Lake led the nation in per capita cases of STD, proving they're all a bunch of hypocrites. No, that's not true. They're all hypocrites except for the TSA, who are hypocrites and trolls, too.
ReplyDeleteHah! I didn't wear a ring for years, because I was pregnant (swollen fingers) and then the diamond kept scratching the babies (diaper changes) and then I just didn't feel like putting it on. But recently somebody asked me about it and I mentioned it to Husband and now I wear my ring again (he was threatening to buy me a different ring and I would really rather have a new piano). My story is NOT as fun as yours (of course). :)
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