Here goes:
1. You should never ever compare pregnant women. Specifically when I am further along than all the other pregnant bitches around me and you find yourself complimenting one of them only to turn to me and say one of the following:
"You must be having a girl. You're carrying all around. Girls steal your beauty.''
Fucking bitch, I'm about to steal your soul.
"Oh, um you too. I'm sure your body will snap back too."
I hope you bite your tongue on your lies, Satan.
"Wow, you really popped! You were doing so good."
Something else is going to pop when I get a hold of your little wretched neck.
"You're just like me! I was full of fluid too."
I am not creme-filled, I don't know you, get your hands off my belly before I kill you.
2. You do not have the rights to the entire aisle in the grocery store. Most people move their carts to the side when they browse. It's just polite. A five cart pile up on aisle 7 while you look at paper towels could be bad for your health. Watch your back. These suburbs are getting feisty and the pharmacist already set me off when she said she'd have to order my prenatals. I will cut you.
3. To the girl at the spa who refused to let me work out because it was, "Contraindicative of pregnancy:" Judge not lest ye be kicked in the head with a fucking toning shoe. I am not hurting my baby and as an aside - your eyes are too big for your face.
4. Buttercupping a pregnant girl should be a capital offense. Enough said.
5. I think I need a milkshake. I want it with magical ass-slimming capabilities and I want it with sprinkles, a cherry and a manservant attached.
On my due date, some jerkwad asked me when my twins were due. Only one in there, bucko! Granted, the "one" weighed one ounce shy of ten pounds, so technically there could have been twins in there. But keep your yap shut when you know not of what you speak.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Have you ever seen the series Charmed? Piper wasn't too fond of strangers touching her belly either, at least she could freeze them with her hands though and escape. That's what you need the power to freeze or blow things up xD.
ReplyDeleteAren't the last months lovely?
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Just by virute of the fact that you are GROWING AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING INSIDE YOU - you are amazing and beautiful.
They're all just jealous of you, dear. Relish in that thought.
ReplyDeletesf
Oh, how lovely. Once you have the baby, then you'll have to deal with asshats that call him a her or her a him, and that comment on how fat your baby is. People are just really, really subtle and polite, huh?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you look amazing and I'm also sure that I won't judge you if you slap anyone.
Yeah, nothing brings out the stupid in people quite like a pregnant woman.
ReplyDeleteAnd guys are the worst for the dumb comments. Particularly middle-aged men, who think they're funny.
I think a dead cold stare paired with, "Ha. Yeah. Funny," is the only way to respond.