Things I learned this week:
I'm not prepared to live symbiotically with monkeys and should likely never move to India. Seeing the above gripping the hair of the chick in front of me at the movie theater made me incredibly antsy. It wanted my nachos and we almost had to throw down when it tried to jump over the chair and on to my person. My imagination took hold and for the rest of Bradley Cooper's ab-tastic portrayal in Limitless I was wondering what type of disease I would acquire from a pygmy marmoset's spit and whether my daughter would be born with a tail if it bit me.
The creme center of Oreos is made from animal lard.
I will still eat Oreos after learning about the pork belly on my chocolate wafer.
Referring to your new La Z Boy recliner as "contemporary" and pontificating about your very forward-thinking take on "theatre seating" isn't fooling anyone. I have hereby decided to embrace my age, my back pain and my sudden lack of interest in your judgments, judger.
Sleeping in your new La Z Boy recliner does not stop you from ungodly pregnancy snoring.
Pregnancy snoring is a very rarely discussed affliction causing all in the family great pain. My pain? Running out of eye cream because Mr. J is trying to camouflage the bags under his eyes.
No one should ever email Groupon offers for pole dancing classes to someone who is 8 months pregnant, whether or not the offer expires when baby is teething.
Spanx are like Jesus skin.
You should never let your admin open your packages when you're expecting Spanx from Amazon.
It's just awkward for everyone.
Hahaha I love reading your posts ^_^
ReplyDeleteOkay, that turned what had been until this point an insufferable evening, into something bordering on bearable. For that, I thank you.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record:
I eat double stuffed oreos... lard and all... I have also been known to crunch a pork rind now and then...
I love sleeping in recliners, prego or not... and I will defend anyone else who does likewise, prego or not.
I hate theater seats because they suck hind tit... I hate them even knowing that if they were as comfortable as my recliner, I'd fall asleep during the movie... no matter how loud or violent it was...
It was in her HAIR? WTF? I couldn't even concentrate on the rest of the post after that.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Tam. And you must have questioned her because how else would you have even known what it was? But Limitless was fun, huh?
ReplyDeleteI saw it as soon as she sat down and nudged Mr. J, "What the hell is that? A squirrel?" He guessed monkey and after we all jumped as monkey spun it's little demon head around, got up on its little haunches and made it clear it likes plastic-flavored nacho cheese, I whisper shouted, "What is that?!" She whispered monkey and pulled it down into her lap. It only stayed there for a few minutes and ended up staring at me through the whole movie. I think it wanted a new mom.
ReplyDeleteLimitless was AWESOME. Mr. J wants to be that guy. This is like.. more serious than super hero envy.
The monkey is adorable, but I'd probably be less enthusiastic about the critter if he were poised to jump on me.
ReplyDeleteI saw Limitless this weekend too!
Animal lard? Really???
ReplyDeleteI had a nanny who was vegan and was psyched I kept Oreos in the house, as she swore they were the only truly animal-product-free cookie.
Jokes on her...
I love that Mr. J wants to be that guy. My hubby turned to me at the start when the guy was all writery and said, "Look! That's you:)" HAHA! I rolled my eyes, but I must admit, I can relate to sitting there staring at the dumb computer screen for hours on end.
ReplyDeleteWhat a cool concept that was.
LOLOLOL! Well, I never ever snored while pregnant (*sigh*)!! <<<<33333
ReplyDeleteYeah, I can't eat Oreos anymore. But Whole Foods has a great cookie that looks a lot like an Oreo. It tastes different, but in a good way. Monkeys stink. I went on a zoo field trip with one of my girls, and there was this one monkey masturbating in front of the kids. I swear he was laughing.
ReplyDelete