Pregophile

You know he doesn't know. He just can't and you're embarrassed for both of you. You expect he'll look away ashamed or gag when he realizes his error. His eyes slowly move from your luscious lips down to your burgeoning breasts and you wait for it... there it is. He finally saw your belly. He physically jumps, shocked and somewhat disgusted with himself. You smile sheepishly. He does too. Then he looks away while his friend smacks him, "Dude, she's pregnant."

Then, if he's smart, he'll walk away with his head hung.

If he doesn't, if he keeps smiling, if he won't stop then he's another animal altogether.

He's a Pregophile.

Pregophile [pray-go-fahyl] noun - An adult who is sexually attracted to pregnant women.

And that's just dirty.

I'd like to propose that there are more than one kind of Pregophile.

There's the husband that remembers when his wife glowed as you do, what it meant, the impending birth of his child. Maybe he knows that you're tired and is compassionate. I think I've met a few of these. They usually say things like, "Every pregnant woman deserves to complain," and, "Well, you look amazing," after you complain about the loaf of bread growing out of your stilettos which are soon to become flip flops. Pat this Paternal Pregophile on the back, he just appreciates a burgeoning belly and likely because he feels sorry for your husband.

There's the one that sees you across a crowded room and has no idea that your flat stomach will soon shoot forth full of another man's spermy goodness. He offers to buy you a drink, he flirts with you while you smile, hand on belly, "I'm married. And pregnant." This is his out. He doesn't take it. He hangs on your every word, he makes eyes and you feel utterly and supremely confused. This is a Playa Playa Pregophile. He realizes that there is no commitment nor birth control required in any tryst he imagines. He likely does not handle commitment well and has had a prescription or two to tame his itchies. Excuse yourself, Mama. He's not just a little dirty. He's a lot dirty.

This brings us to the worst type of Pregophile. The Perv. This is the guy that cannot stop staring and seems to hang on to every last breath that you can't seem to catch. He imagines all the dirty things he'd like to do while you look for an accomplice with a knife. You wonder if he is going to kill you and he wonders if what he's heard about supremely pregnant women is true. He likely spends most of his time masturbating in front of his Mac Book, tacky keys and tube socks on the floor. Be careful, he could be highlighted as a case study on Law and Order.

Mr. J doesn't believe that I could have possibly run into that many Pregophiles in a short nine months. Mags and I discussed it this weekend, rendered Mr. J silly and voted to out this subculture. They're everywhere, people, and you should be armed with information.

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

Or something.

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Quick Note:

The lovely and talented photographer extraordinaire, Wendhy Jeffers, has posted some of my maternity photos on her blog. Take a peek as I won't be pregnant for very much longer! That's right! Little Livi wants very badly to be an April baby. I'm on bed rest and counting down the days.